In Which Dean is Moody

This was supposed to get easier. Or, at least, he hoped it would.

He thought that with time, the things he did and the things that happened to him would slowly start to disappear. He would remember less, feel them less, but he'd been topside going on five months now, and things weren't getting any easier. He still feel every moment every time he closed his eyes, and that wasn't going to lessen anytime soon.

He finished in the shower, washing away the blood and smell of the day, before making his way out, towel wrapped around his waist. He still smelled of death, he always smelled of death, but at least now it was death and soap which was a bit more tolerable. He grabbed his bag and started to get dressed, waiting for Anna to return from wherever she was so that he could head to bed. It'd had been a long day, and he was ready to sleep it off.

[JP] Write a letter to you children or future children.

[Set in the future!future!crack. Ben = mini_dean, and it’s locked to him, provided Dean ever actually gives it to him.]

Ben,

You’ll probably never read this. You might find this, one day, stuck somewhere, but I doubt I’m ever going to give it to you, because I’d much rather do this in person. These are things that you deserve to hear from me, myself, and not through a letter written one day because I happened to decided to get the words in order. Personally, I’d rather not tell you any of this, but—you deserve to know why I wasn’t there, why Lisa couldn’t find me. Some of this may sound too good to be true, but it is all the truth. Every word of it. And I’m sorry that you and Lisa got caught in the crossfire of this, but that was my life at the time.

About seven months after I left Cicero, I died. Why wasn’t important, but I was literally dead for about four months. When your mom was trying to reach me and my number was disconnected, I was dead. When I came back from the dead (an angel named Castiel pulled me out of Hell—yes, a real angel. I’ll have to introduce you sometime), a demon named Lilith was doing her best to send me back to Hell. We were fighting tooth and nail just to stay alive and keeping her from bringing Hell on earth.

I still remember everything that happened to me in Hell. Everything that was done to me and everything I did is still there, in the back of my mind every day. I had a lot of bad to make up for down there, and for years, I did the best that I can to do that. I know that Lisa telling me that you weren’t mine was no excuse for at least not keeping in touch with you guys, but things were complicated then. There were some very dangerous demons gunning for my head, and I wasn’t going to put an innocent child in the crossfire. Had I known, somehow, what was going on with you guys and Jeff, I would have been there in a heartbeat. No one deserves to go through something like that. Ever.

I’m sorry that the things that happened to you did. I know that if I had been there and certain things wouldn’t have happened, and Jeff would never have been in your life. I wish I could have been there, and I wish that I could have been there when you were growing up, because there was so much that I missed, and so much that I wanted to see, but I didn’t. And I can’t get that back—I know that. I just hope that—you won’t keep me from missing everything else. I can only force myself in so much—you gotta let me in the rest of the way.

I just want to help you, Ben. Whether you believe it or not.

Dean.

486 words