Dean Winchester (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hasperkynipples) wrote2009-01-23 11:44 am
hasperkynipples) wrote2009-01-23 11:44 am
Entry tags:
In Which Dean Snaps
[Cowritten with ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
failuretotrust and ilove_atallman. Angst ahoy.]
She'd gotten the call that Ruby was spotted at a motel just outside the city. She didn't want to go near the woman. In fact, she wanted the woman out of her and Sam's lives. She wanted Sam to stop this need to hunt her down and kill her. She hated that it was consuming him and pushing a wedge between them. Whatever they had still. Things had been changing, and she wasn't sure what any of it meant. They'd never been the perfectly in love couple, they'd just been. Been there for each other, loved each other, taking care of each other. She wasn't too sure what was going on, but she also wasn't sure what she'd do if she lost it.
So that's why she was going after Ruby. If she could find the demon, get the gun back that Sam needed so desperately, then maybe he would stop. Maybe they could just go back to normal. It's what 99 needed. She needed normal and safe.
Once she found the motel, she made sure her gun was at her hip, before going for the door that Ruby supposedly was staying behind. She pulled her weapon out and held it to her leg, then knocked.
Ruby pushed her up from the table where she was working, and made her way over to the door, looking through the peephole to see who it was. When she recognized the face, she froze, before turning back and heading towards the bed where Dean was starting to lower himself down onto the bed. "Don't -- we gotta go, we gotta go now."
"What?" Dean frowned, looking back over at her, before his eyes darted to the door. "Who is it?"
"Your ex. Let's go."
"Shit," Dean muttered before pushing himself up, grabbing his jacket and starting to scramble for an exit. "How the hell am I going to -- ?"
"Bathroom window. I'll hold her off. Go."
Dean nodded, before starting to head towards the bathroom, looking for the window Ruby had mentioned.
99 pounded on the door again, hearing commotion inside. "Open up, Ruby, we need to talk!"
"If it's about Sam, I don't have anything to say," Ruby shouted back. Dean turned on his heels in the doorway of the bathroom, looking back at Ruby with a concerned frown at the mention of his brother, and she just glared back at him, "Damnit, how many fucking times do I have to tell you -- "
She glared and aimed her fun at the knob, letting a round fire into it. Yea, she was pissed off. "I do!"
The door flew open and Ruby spun around, ready to take her on if she had to. Dean kept his back to the door, continuing to head towards the bathroom and make his way out the window as Ruby instructed, not wanting to do this either here or now.
99 brought her gun up to Ruby and glared. "We're talking." She caught the movement out of the corner of her eye, but didn't look away. "And tell your friend to get the hell back here before I put a bullet through your head."
"Get lost, short bus -- don't worry about me," Ruby replied, and Dean did as she said and kept moving, his back to her the entire time.
Still, without looking away from Ruby - she wasn't letting the bitch of a demon out of her sight - she aimed her gun towards the running mystery person and fired. "I said stay," she shouted.
The bullet hit the door frame of the bathroom, and Dean froze, raising his hands in the air slowly. He didn't turn around, just stayed where he was. He sighed slightly and relaxed, hoping she wouldn't just shoot him just because. He had never liked being around the woman when she was pissed, and he certainly wasn't going to give her more ammunition to shoot him.
She turned the gun back at Ruby for a moment, before aiming it back to the bathroom. She needed them both to know that she was in control of that moment. "Frankly I don't care what dirt you've got going on here," she told Ruby slowly, nodding towards the Dean she hadn't quite recognized yet. "So you little toy over there needs to back the hell up slowly, and sit down where I can keep my eye on him, so we can talk."
Dean wanted to laugh at the toy comment, but he didn't. He did snort though. Loudly. He then backed up, keeping his back to her and making his way over to the edge of the bed and sitting down. Ruby glanced over at Dean for a minute, before smirking slightly. There may have been a lot of things that he wasn't anymore since he got back from Hell, but fortunately or unfortunately for her, depending on the circumstances, he was still a smart ass. She then turned back to 99 with a cool look, before raising an eyebrow.
"That good enough for you, honey?"
99 gave Ruby a cold glare. "Don't call me honey, bitch." She waved the gun a bit. "Sit down." She glanced at the stranger, then back to Ruby. Something was nagging at her, now that he was closer, even though his back was still to her. There was something inside of her, chewing things over, but she couldn't pick it up exactly.
Ruby sighed slightly, before moving to sit down on the opposite side of Dean, so that they were sitting shoulder to shoulder. Dean gave her a look once she was close enough, one that was clearly saying that if they made it out of this alive, she so had some explaining to do when this was over.
99 stepped closer and couldn't stop making glances in Dean's direction. There was just something too familiar there. Something in the way he sat. She turned the gun on Ruby. "I want what you took from Sam. Now. And I want you to turn around. I really have no qualms with shooting either of you to get what I want."
"I can't give you the gun back," Ruby said slowly. "It wasn't Sam's to begin with, and we need it. And as for him turning around -- trust me. You don't want him to do that."
Gun? Now Dean was really confused. Ruby didn't use guns -- not if she could help it, and with that knife, it usually meant she could. But Dean just stayed quiet and kept his back to Beth, no matter how much he wanted to turn around and see her. Hearing her voice was bad enough, but he didn't know what he'd do if he looked at her.
"It's more Sam's than yours. And yea, I want him to turn around." These two were really starting to piss her off. She hated when demonic bastards didn't take her seriously. She turned and fired into the TV, then aimed the gun back at both of them. "If I aim right, I can get you both with one shot. I'll play old school on this and count to five. One, two-"
"Alright, alright," Dean sighed, and Ruby flashed him a glare, but he ignored it. He didn't want to get shot, and he didn't need Ruby out of commission either, not when she was supposed to be protecting his ass. "Nobody needs to get hurt." He then held up his hands again, before he got up and slowly started to turn around and face her.
Her heart stopped the moment she heard his voice. Her grip tightened on the gun as she watched him turn around, and all color drained from her face. A million thoughts raced through her mind at once, her jaw hung slightly and her lips moved, trying to form words. It had to be some kind of joke. Some evil game played by Ruby. "What the hell did you do?" She could barely get out above a hoarse whisper, directed at Ruby.
"I didn't do this," Ruby replied. "An angel did."
"Look, Beth, it's a long story," Dean said slowly. "I'll explain everything, just please -- put the gun down, alright? I need Ruby to keep protecting my ass, and well -- I'm not to fond of bullet holes."
Her head shook slowly, the gun starting to weigh her hand down. "No," she murmured. "Don't say my name and don't...don't..." She was still so confused, still didn't believe it was really him, but seeing him standing there...she wanted to rush into his arms. "Just shut up." She found the strength to bring her gun back up.
Dean kept his hands up and did as he was told, keeping his mouth shut, before Ruby pushed herself up, putting herself between the gun and Dean. "Look, this is bigger than you. I'm not just going to let you shoot him."
"Then I'll shoot you," 99 said softly, but thickly. "I'm so sick of you popping up in my life." Her eyes remained on Dean, though.
"Fine. Shoot me. I can take it," Ruby replied, giving her a look. "But he's human, and if you shoot him, you'll kill him."
"I can't kill someone who's already dead."
"I get it. Dean for you died four years ago, and he should have stayed that way," Ruby said with a glare. "He would have if you and Sam couldn't just leave well enough a-fucking-lone, but since you decided to come and be all hero to get your boyfriend back, you found out the dirty little secret." She paused for a minute, before crossing her arms in front of her chest slightly. "You know, not many people who've seen Dean have kept walking around these days."
"Ruby!" Dean said, a glare shooting in the other woman's direction.
"It's the truth, Dean, and you know it. You're poison. She should have just left things alone."
Dean glared back at her for a moment, before turning back to her. "Get lost for a while."
"Dean."
"Just give me some time to talk to her," Dean replied, giving her a look. "Get. Lost."
Ruby glared back at him for a minute, before turning and starting to head towards the door. "I'm not going far."
99 ignored it all and kept her eyes on Dean. "What the hell is going on?"
Dean sighed slightly, before looking over at her, not moving in the slightest. "Gonna put the gun down?"
She looked down at the gun in her hands and back up at him. She let it drop to her side slowly.
Dean swallowed, dropping his hands with the gun, before starting to speak again. "Four years ago, I really did die. Hell hounds tore me apart, I went to Hell, the whole schbang. I was in the pit for about two years. Then an angel named Castiel pulled me out of Hell and put me back in my body."
"Thanks for keeping me in the loop," she said through gritted teeth. "The dying and the coming back."
"It wasn't exactly the easiest thing in the world," Dean replied, glaring back at her. He knew he had no right to be pissed, but his temper was shorter since his trip back, and he couldn't help the snapping. "I -- I barely knew who I was let alone who everyone else in my life was. Ruby had to put me back together again, remind me how to be human again. That, in total took about a year." He paused for a moment. "People were dying all around me. Anyone who saw me went belly up before I could blink so I did what I had to do to keep the people I care about safe. If I didn't go near you, he wouldn't kill you."
Her head was still spinning with it all. "But you knew you were dying. You knew you were leaving me. And all I got was a call from Sam, telling me you were dead," her eyes began to well up as she remembered the pain she'd shut away for so long.
Oh, God. She couldn't start crying on him. She couldn't because he wouldn't be able to send her away after that, and he wasn't worth the tears. "I'm sorry. I really am. But Sam -- everything he did was about the damn deal. I just -- I wanted something normal. Something they couldn't touch. Was that too much to ask?" He could tell from the look on her face that it probably was.
"If you wanted something simple you should have left me as a fuck buddy."
Dean's eyes dropped to the ground, and he nodded slowly. "Yeah, well -- I really do have a way of screwing things up."
She shook her head. "I can't do this. I can't do this, Dean!" A lump rose in her throat at the sound of his name on her lips. Her fingers covered her mouth and she closed her eyes, a few tears escaping onto her cheeks.
"No," he said, moving closer to her without even thinking when he saw the tears. "No, you can do this. You can. You got Sam now. You're happy -- you don't need me." He shouldn't touch her. He couldn't touch her, because if he did, he wasn't going to let go. But he did, his hands moving up slowly to brush the tears off her cheeks gently. "I was never any good for you anyway. Sam -- he was always the better of both of us, always has been."
Her body went rigid at his touch and she stepped back. She wanted to fall into him, but stepping back was easier. She stood completely tense, her arms hugging herself tightly, still keeping her eyes shut. "You don't know a damn thing," she muttered. Because he didn't. He didn't know that she hadn't let Sam have her at all over those years. Not really. Dean was the last person she planned on truly giving herself to only to lose them. He didn't know, and she hated him telling her what was good for her. Neither she or Sam had been the same since Dean died, and when it came down to it, she didn't feel like much more than something warm to Sam when he was at his worst.
"I know I don't," Dean sighed, pulling away from her when she stepped back from him. "But I do know that you two are better off without me. I know that -- I don't fit there anymore. And I know that I wouldn't be able to make it and keep doing this if Alastair got to you or Sam, so please, Be -- " He stopped when he almost said her name, running a hand over his face lightly. " -- you never saw me, alright? As far as you're concerned, I'm still dead."
She finally opened her eyes to him, more tears escaping. "You need to see Sam."
"I can't," Dean shook his head. "I'm not going to get him killed again."
"You'd make something work if you wanted it," she bit at him.
Dean's eyes flashed as he turned back at her, and his voice dropped, low and dangerous. He knew who it was, who he was talking to, but the fact that she would insinuate something like that, it angered the part of him that he tried to keep buried more than anything else. He moved in close to her, slow and fluid, looking her dead in the eye as he spoke.
"If you think for one minute that I didn't want to see you or Sam you are sorely mistaken. You don't know how much this hurts. But I live with it, every day, because I know that if I even thought about going near you, you two would become bodies on the evening news and I was not going to let that happen. You two were the two most important people in my life before I died, and I'm not going to watch you die like I've had to watch everyone else."
She glared straight back at him. She saw the anger and the pain, but right then she didn't care. She wanted him to hurt. "Don't talk to me about hurt," she said. "You aren't the only one. I had to forget all of the memories. Sam and I..." she shook her head. Her jaw set and her eyes fired back into his. "Well...we found a way to deal with that pain, I guess," she rubbed it in. She didn't want him to be blasie about it. She wanted it to hurt. "Night after night..."
The Dean she knew just kept sliding further back with every word, and he smirked, but it wasn't friendly or flirty, and his voice didn't change in the slightest. "Well -- it sounds like you got what you wanted. What the hell do you still want from me? Congratulations? Need to let me know where to send the fruit basket for the wedding?"
"Go fuck yourself," she whispered angrily. Her hand swiped over her cheeks.
"What, Beth? Did you think two years in Hell wouldn't change me at all?" He moved quickly, his hand coming to her shoulder and pushing her back against the wall, using his weight to pin her to the door. His hand came up to cup her throat lightly, her pulse pushing back against the webbing between his thumb and forefinger. He could smell her now that he was this close, and his head dropped to the side slightly, taking a deep breath against the side of her neck, picking up the scent of her, shampoo, and perfume. Smells that a part of him missed, but that part of him wasn't at the party at the moment. He was completely cold. He couldn't let himself feel anything right now, because if he did he'd break all over again. "The silly little boy with the pretty car isn't around. Not anymore."
"Dean," she gasped, her breath hard to find and painful against his hand on her neck. Everything inside of her was shattering all over again. Her eyes searched for his, begging, trying to look past the eyes that weren't her Dean's eyes.
It took a moment, but he found it, found himself again. Every instinct was telling him to lash out, hurt her for how she was hurting him, but there was something in the way he said her name that snapped him back into place, forcing the darker side of him back again. He blinked, before jerking away from her like a shot. His eyes went from her to his hands, and back to her again, before stumbling back onto the bed and burying his face in his hands. "Go," he muttered, his voice muffled by his hands as he shoulders started to shake.
"No," she whispered stubbornly. She wanted to reach up to massage her throat, but not in front of him. Holding back more tears that wanted to start, she took a step nearer to him.
"Go," he hissed, looking back at her, jerking away as she came closer. "I'm not safe."
Her emotions were all over the place, between hating him and not and everything else. But in the end...she couldn't leave him like this. She couldn't leave them like that. "No," she said again, a bit louder and firmer. She stepped up to the side of the bed and reached for his cheek before he could say anything.
He pushed her away, a hand circling around her wrist and distancing himself from the contact. "I could have killed you. Right there. Not even a second thought."
She fought his grip and flipped it around so she was holding his wrist. Not the hardest of the things she could do. "That wasn't you."
"Yes, it was," he said, looking up at her with wide eyes, but he was sure in the statement. "You don't know the things I've done. The things I could still do. I've torn people apart, and I remember every single one of them. I remember the way they screamed, I remember the way they begged. I wasn't wrong when I said that before. I'm not the same person anymore."
Her heart beat painfully in her chest. "Maybe not...but he's still a part of you," she whispered. "Dean...please," her voice begged, her hand moving for his cheek again.
He closed his eyes, bringing up his hand between hers and his face. "I don't deserve this." He swallowed slightly, trying to keep himself together. "I have more that I need to make for first."
She didn't want to face letting him go again, whether he'd just be a distant friend or...nothing. She couldn't let him go like that. She needed to help him, both for him and for herself. Not caring about holding back the tears anymore, she leaned her head over his, her hair hitting his face. Her other hand went to his other cheek. "I know you do," she whispered.
"Please," he whispered, fighting the urge to just collapse and curl into her. He wanted to so badly, but he couldn't. He had to be stronger than that. He couldn't be, but he had to be. "Please, just go back. Pretend I wasn't here. You're better off."
"Fine," she tried to get her voice even again. She pushed her hair behind her ears and dried her face once more. "If you want me to leave...I will. I'll go...but not right this second." Her arms moved to circle his neck. She moved to sit on the bed beside him, not letting him go.
Dean's hands moved to her waist as she moved closer, trying to push her away again, because he couldn't take much more of this. He didn't want comfort. He didn't deserve comfort. After what he had just done, he certainly didn't deserve it from her. He tried to tell her that, but he couldn't keep her away, and soon he was wrapped in her again, he could smell the things he smelled before and actually let the memories come back to him, he cracked, his body collapsing into hers as he grabbed at her clothes, sobs breaking through his voice. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry -- " The litany began and he didn't stop, just burying his head in her shoulder as he cried.
Her eyes slammed shut at the feeling of him against her again, and there was no denial in her that it was all real right then. Or that he wasn't still there, in some capacity. Her arms tightened around his shaking body and her hand moved up to hold the back of his head. She kissed his forehead softly, starting to cry for real finally. "It wasn't you," she whispered over and over, to every apology he issued.
"No, no," he said, pushing his head up to look at her, eyes seeking forgiveness more than anything else. "It was me. I did it. It was still me." He pleaded with her, begged for her to tell him what he needed to hear, or it was another thing that he was going to have to make good on.
Her hand moved to wipe his eyes and she shook her head. "No, baby," she whispered. She bit her tongue at the unintentional word that had slipped out, but let it pass and went on. "It was...whatever they made you down there. Another you. Not the real you."
"Please," he whispered, looking at her. "It's still part of me. I still did it. And I'm sorry, so please." He needed to accept his actions, or he was no better than the thing inside him.
Her arms went around his neck again and she pulled him close. "I forgive you," she murmured. "You did it and...I forgive you," she didn't want to say it, but she wanted to give him what he needed.
His face softened again, and he sighed, like a small amount of the weight had been lifted off his shoulders. "Thank you."
Her eyes squeezed shut and she rubbed his back, not saying anything. She didn't trust her own words, because she had so many different thoughts spinning through her head.
He stayed close for a little while longer, until his body stopped shaking, before he pushed himself up, swiping at the tears with the back of his hand. "You should go. Alastair's probably watching us right now, you need to get Sam and get as far away from me as possible."
She felt suddenly very cold when he moved away and she looked up at him. She shook her head. She didn't want to leave. She didn't want their only moment to be over. She didn't know how to stand up and leave.
Dean watched her for a moment, before moving closer, gently cupping her face in his hands and tilting her up to face him. He just watched her for a minute, before leaning in to kiss her softly. It wasn't expecting anything, just soft and simple, before pulling back from her. "I'll come see Sam when it's safe. But I don't want to put him danger when I know it's out there." He let his forehead rest against hers for a moment, before brushing her face with his thumbs. "Just make him happy, okay? And let him make you happy. For me."
Her eyes closed and she tasted her lips slowly. She shook her head again, but didn't want to start talking about her and Sam and how...no so easy that all was. She really couldn't say anything.
"Look, I know it's not easy, okay?" he said slowly, crouching down in front of her. "I know. But -- he'll take care of you. And he needs someone to take care of him."
She pushed him off gently, still shaking her head, and stood up. Her arms hugged her body tightly. "It's...he and I...aren't you and me." She made sure she had her gun and tried to pull herself together.
"I know," he sighed, looking down at his hands as he watched her get ready to go. "But he's better. Always has been."
"Shut up," she said softly, moving for the door. She opened it slightly and paused. "I...never did get to tell you I loved you," she said slowly.
He closed his eyes, but kept his back to her, his head dropping down towards her hands. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about my deal."
She nodded and leaned her head to the door for a moment, letting out a breath.
He swallowed again, before glancing over his shoulder to look back at her. "You deserve to be happy, Beth."
"What makes you think I am?" She asked softly, before moving out the door and closing it behind herself.
Ruby waited until the car started before making her way back inside, looking over him with a careful eye. He looked tired, emotionally speaking, but he seemed -- okay, for the most part. Then again, Dean Winchester was the king of faking it, so she had to ask to be sure. "You okay?"
Dean looked up at her as he made his way over to the fridge, reaching for a beer, "Me? I'm peachy." He popped the top on the bottle, before turning back to her with a thin glare and crossing his arms in front of his chest. "Now let's talk about this gun you took from my brother."
failuretotrust and ilove_atallman. Angst ahoy.]She'd gotten the call that Ruby was spotted at a motel just outside the city. She didn't want to go near the woman. In fact, she wanted the woman out of her and Sam's lives. She wanted Sam to stop this need to hunt her down and kill her. She hated that it was consuming him and pushing a wedge between them. Whatever they had still. Things had been changing, and she wasn't sure what any of it meant. They'd never been the perfectly in love couple, they'd just been. Been there for each other, loved each other, taking care of each other. She wasn't too sure what was going on, but she also wasn't sure what she'd do if she lost it.
So that's why she was going after Ruby. If she could find the demon, get the gun back that Sam needed so desperately, then maybe he would stop. Maybe they could just go back to normal. It's what 99 needed. She needed normal and safe.
Once she found the motel, she made sure her gun was at her hip, before going for the door that Ruby supposedly was staying behind. She pulled her weapon out and held it to her leg, then knocked.
Ruby pushed her up from the table where she was working, and made her way over to the door, looking through the peephole to see who it was. When she recognized the face, she froze, before turning back and heading towards the bed where Dean was starting to lower himself down onto the bed. "Don't -- we gotta go, we gotta go now."
"What?" Dean frowned, looking back over at her, before his eyes darted to the door. "Who is it?"
"Your ex. Let's go."
"Shit," Dean muttered before pushing himself up, grabbing his jacket and starting to scramble for an exit. "How the hell am I going to -- ?"
"Bathroom window. I'll hold her off. Go."
Dean nodded, before starting to head towards the bathroom, looking for the window Ruby had mentioned.
99 pounded on the door again, hearing commotion inside. "Open up, Ruby, we need to talk!"
"If it's about Sam, I don't have anything to say," Ruby shouted back. Dean turned on his heels in the doorway of the bathroom, looking back at Ruby with a concerned frown at the mention of his brother, and she just glared back at him, "Damnit, how many fucking times do I have to tell you -- "
She glared and aimed her fun at the knob, letting a round fire into it. Yea, she was pissed off. "I do!"
The door flew open and Ruby spun around, ready to take her on if she had to. Dean kept his back to the door, continuing to head towards the bathroom and make his way out the window as Ruby instructed, not wanting to do this either here or now.
99 brought her gun up to Ruby and glared. "We're talking." She caught the movement out of the corner of her eye, but didn't look away. "And tell your friend to get the hell back here before I put a bullet through your head."
"Get lost, short bus -- don't worry about me," Ruby replied, and Dean did as she said and kept moving, his back to her the entire time.
Still, without looking away from Ruby - she wasn't letting the bitch of a demon out of her sight - she aimed her gun towards the running mystery person and fired. "I said stay," she shouted.
The bullet hit the door frame of the bathroom, and Dean froze, raising his hands in the air slowly. He didn't turn around, just stayed where he was. He sighed slightly and relaxed, hoping she wouldn't just shoot him just because. He had never liked being around the woman when she was pissed, and he certainly wasn't going to give her more ammunition to shoot him.
She turned the gun back at Ruby for a moment, before aiming it back to the bathroom. She needed them both to know that she was in control of that moment. "Frankly I don't care what dirt you've got going on here," she told Ruby slowly, nodding towards the Dean she hadn't quite recognized yet. "So you little toy over there needs to back the hell up slowly, and sit down where I can keep my eye on him, so we can talk."
Dean wanted to laugh at the toy comment, but he didn't. He did snort though. Loudly. He then backed up, keeping his back to her and making his way over to the edge of the bed and sitting down. Ruby glanced over at Dean for a minute, before smirking slightly. There may have been a lot of things that he wasn't anymore since he got back from Hell, but fortunately or unfortunately for her, depending on the circumstances, he was still a smart ass. She then turned back to 99 with a cool look, before raising an eyebrow.
"That good enough for you, honey?"
99 gave Ruby a cold glare. "Don't call me honey, bitch." She waved the gun a bit. "Sit down." She glanced at the stranger, then back to Ruby. Something was nagging at her, now that he was closer, even though his back was still to her. There was something inside of her, chewing things over, but she couldn't pick it up exactly.
Ruby sighed slightly, before moving to sit down on the opposite side of Dean, so that they were sitting shoulder to shoulder. Dean gave her a look once she was close enough, one that was clearly saying that if they made it out of this alive, she so had some explaining to do when this was over.
99 stepped closer and couldn't stop making glances in Dean's direction. There was just something too familiar there. Something in the way he sat. She turned the gun on Ruby. "I want what you took from Sam. Now. And I want you to turn around. I really have no qualms with shooting either of you to get what I want."
"I can't give you the gun back," Ruby said slowly. "It wasn't Sam's to begin with, and we need it. And as for him turning around -- trust me. You don't want him to do that."
Gun? Now Dean was really confused. Ruby didn't use guns -- not if she could help it, and with that knife, it usually meant she could. But Dean just stayed quiet and kept his back to Beth, no matter how much he wanted to turn around and see her. Hearing her voice was bad enough, but he didn't know what he'd do if he looked at her.
"It's more Sam's than yours. And yea, I want him to turn around." These two were really starting to piss her off. She hated when demonic bastards didn't take her seriously. She turned and fired into the TV, then aimed the gun back at both of them. "If I aim right, I can get you both with one shot. I'll play old school on this and count to five. One, two-"
"Alright, alright," Dean sighed, and Ruby flashed him a glare, but he ignored it. He didn't want to get shot, and he didn't need Ruby out of commission either, not when she was supposed to be protecting his ass. "Nobody needs to get hurt." He then held up his hands again, before he got up and slowly started to turn around and face her.
Her heart stopped the moment she heard his voice. Her grip tightened on the gun as she watched him turn around, and all color drained from her face. A million thoughts raced through her mind at once, her jaw hung slightly and her lips moved, trying to form words. It had to be some kind of joke. Some evil game played by Ruby. "What the hell did you do?" She could barely get out above a hoarse whisper, directed at Ruby.
"I didn't do this," Ruby replied. "An angel did."
"Look, Beth, it's a long story," Dean said slowly. "I'll explain everything, just please -- put the gun down, alright? I need Ruby to keep protecting my ass, and well -- I'm not to fond of bullet holes."
Her head shook slowly, the gun starting to weigh her hand down. "No," she murmured. "Don't say my name and don't...don't..." She was still so confused, still didn't believe it was really him, but seeing him standing there...she wanted to rush into his arms. "Just shut up." She found the strength to bring her gun back up.
Dean kept his hands up and did as he was told, keeping his mouth shut, before Ruby pushed herself up, putting herself between the gun and Dean. "Look, this is bigger than you. I'm not just going to let you shoot him."
"Then I'll shoot you," 99 said softly, but thickly. "I'm so sick of you popping up in my life." Her eyes remained on Dean, though.
"Fine. Shoot me. I can take it," Ruby replied, giving her a look. "But he's human, and if you shoot him, you'll kill him."
"I can't kill someone who's already dead."
"I get it. Dean for you died four years ago, and he should have stayed that way," Ruby said with a glare. "He would have if you and Sam couldn't just leave well enough a-fucking-lone, but since you decided to come and be all hero to get your boyfriend back, you found out the dirty little secret." She paused for a minute, before crossing her arms in front of her chest slightly. "You know, not many people who've seen Dean have kept walking around these days."
"Ruby!" Dean said, a glare shooting in the other woman's direction.
"It's the truth, Dean, and you know it. You're poison. She should have just left things alone."
Dean glared back at her for a moment, before turning back to her. "Get lost for a while."
"Dean."
"Just give me some time to talk to her," Dean replied, giving her a look. "Get. Lost."
Ruby glared back at him for a minute, before turning and starting to head towards the door. "I'm not going far."
99 ignored it all and kept her eyes on Dean. "What the hell is going on?"
Dean sighed slightly, before looking over at her, not moving in the slightest. "Gonna put the gun down?"
She looked down at the gun in her hands and back up at him. She let it drop to her side slowly.
Dean swallowed, dropping his hands with the gun, before starting to speak again. "Four years ago, I really did die. Hell hounds tore me apart, I went to Hell, the whole schbang. I was in the pit for about two years. Then an angel named Castiel pulled me out of Hell and put me back in my body."
"Thanks for keeping me in the loop," she said through gritted teeth. "The dying and the coming back."
"It wasn't exactly the easiest thing in the world," Dean replied, glaring back at her. He knew he had no right to be pissed, but his temper was shorter since his trip back, and he couldn't help the snapping. "I -- I barely knew who I was let alone who everyone else in my life was. Ruby had to put me back together again, remind me how to be human again. That, in total took about a year." He paused for a moment. "People were dying all around me. Anyone who saw me went belly up before I could blink so I did what I had to do to keep the people I care about safe. If I didn't go near you, he wouldn't kill you."
Her head was still spinning with it all. "But you knew you were dying. You knew you were leaving me. And all I got was a call from Sam, telling me you were dead," her eyes began to well up as she remembered the pain she'd shut away for so long.
Oh, God. She couldn't start crying on him. She couldn't because he wouldn't be able to send her away after that, and he wasn't worth the tears. "I'm sorry. I really am. But Sam -- everything he did was about the damn deal. I just -- I wanted something normal. Something they couldn't touch. Was that too much to ask?" He could tell from the look on her face that it probably was.
"If you wanted something simple you should have left me as a fuck buddy."
Dean's eyes dropped to the ground, and he nodded slowly. "Yeah, well -- I really do have a way of screwing things up."
She shook her head. "I can't do this. I can't do this, Dean!" A lump rose in her throat at the sound of his name on her lips. Her fingers covered her mouth and she closed her eyes, a few tears escaping onto her cheeks.
"No," he said, moving closer to her without even thinking when he saw the tears. "No, you can do this. You can. You got Sam now. You're happy -- you don't need me." He shouldn't touch her. He couldn't touch her, because if he did, he wasn't going to let go. But he did, his hands moving up slowly to brush the tears off her cheeks gently. "I was never any good for you anyway. Sam -- he was always the better of both of us, always has been."
Her body went rigid at his touch and she stepped back. She wanted to fall into him, but stepping back was easier. She stood completely tense, her arms hugging herself tightly, still keeping her eyes shut. "You don't know a damn thing," she muttered. Because he didn't. He didn't know that she hadn't let Sam have her at all over those years. Not really. Dean was the last person she planned on truly giving herself to only to lose them. He didn't know, and she hated him telling her what was good for her. Neither she or Sam had been the same since Dean died, and when it came down to it, she didn't feel like much more than something warm to Sam when he was at his worst.
"I know I don't," Dean sighed, pulling away from her when she stepped back from him. "But I do know that you two are better off without me. I know that -- I don't fit there anymore. And I know that I wouldn't be able to make it and keep doing this if Alastair got to you or Sam, so please, Be -- " He stopped when he almost said her name, running a hand over his face lightly. " -- you never saw me, alright? As far as you're concerned, I'm still dead."
She finally opened her eyes to him, more tears escaping. "You need to see Sam."
"I can't," Dean shook his head. "I'm not going to get him killed again."
"You'd make something work if you wanted it," she bit at him.
Dean's eyes flashed as he turned back at her, and his voice dropped, low and dangerous. He knew who it was, who he was talking to, but the fact that she would insinuate something like that, it angered the part of him that he tried to keep buried more than anything else. He moved in close to her, slow and fluid, looking her dead in the eye as he spoke.
"If you think for one minute that I didn't want to see you or Sam you are sorely mistaken. You don't know how much this hurts. But I live with it, every day, because I know that if I even thought about going near you, you two would become bodies on the evening news and I was not going to let that happen. You two were the two most important people in my life before I died, and I'm not going to watch you die like I've had to watch everyone else."
She glared straight back at him. She saw the anger and the pain, but right then she didn't care. She wanted him to hurt. "Don't talk to me about hurt," she said. "You aren't the only one. I had to forget all of the memories. Sam and I..." she shook her head. Her jaw set and her eyes fired back into his. "Well...we found a way to deal with that pain, I guess," she rubbed it in. She didn't want him to be blasie about it. She wanted it to hurt. "Night after night..."
The Dean she knew just kept sliding further back with every word, and he smirked, but it wasn't friendly or flirty, and his voice didn't change in the slightest. "Well -- it sounds like you got what you wanted. What the hell do you still want from me? Congratulations? Need to let me know where to send the fruit basket for the wedding?"
"Go fuck yourself," she whispered angrily. Her hand swiped over her cheeks.
"What, Beth? Did you think two years in Hell wouldn't change me at all?" He moved quickly, his hand coming to her shoulder and pushing her back against the wall, using his weight to pin her to the door. His hand came up to cup her throat lightly, her pulse pushing back against the webbing between his thumb and forefinger. He could smell her now that he was this close, and his head dropped to the side slightly, taking a deep breath against the side of her neck, picking up the scent of her, shampoo, and perfume. Smells that a part of him missed, but that part of him wasn't at the party at the moment. He was completely cold. He couldn't let himself feel anything right now, because if he did he'd break all over again. "The silly little boy with the pretty car isn't around. Not anymore."
"Dean," she gasped, her breath hard to find and painful against his hand on her neck. Everything inside of her was shattering all over again. Her eyes searched for his, begging, trying to look past the eyes that weren't her Dean's eyes.
It took a moment, but he found it, found himself again. Every instinct was telling him to lash out, hurt her for how she was hurting him, but there was something in the way he said her name that snapped him back into place, forcing the darker side of him back again. He blinked, before jerking away from her like a shot. His eyes went from her to his hands, and back to her again, before stumbling back onto the bed and burying his face in his hands. "Go," he muttered, his voice muffled by his hands as he shoulders started to shake.
"No," she whispered stubbornly. She wanted to reach up to massage her throat, but not in front of him. Holding back more tears that wanted to start, she took a step nearer to him.
"Go," he hissed, looking back at her, jerking away as she came closer. "I'm not safe."
Her emotions were all over the place, between hating him and not and everything else. But in the end...she couldn't leave him like this. She couldn't leave them like that. "No," she said again, a bit louder and firmer. She stepped up to the side of the bed and reached for his cheek before he could say anything.
He pushed her away, a hand circling around her wrist and distancing himself from the contact. "I could have killed you. Right there. Not even a second thought."
She fought his grip and flipped it around so she was holding his wrist. Not the hardest of the things she could do. "That wasn't you."
"Yes, it was," he said, looking up at her with wide eyes, but he was sure in the statement. "You don't know the things I've done. The things I could still do. I've torn people apart, and I remember every single one of them. I remember the way they screamed, I remember the way they begged. I wasn't wrong when I said that before. I'm not the same person anymore."
Her heart beat painfully in her chest. "Maybe not...but he's still a part of you," she whispered. "Dean...please," her voice begged, her hand moving for his cheek again.
He closed his eyes, bringing up his hand between hers and his face. "I don't deserve this." He swallowed slightly, trying to keep himself together. "I have more that I need to make for first."
She didn't want to face letting him go again, whether he'd just be a distant friend or...nothing. She couldn't let him go like that. She needed to help him, both for him and for herself. Not caring about holding back the tears anymore, she leaned her head over his, her hair hitting his face. Her other hand went to his other cheek. "I know you do," she whispered.
"Please," he whispered, fighting the urge to just collapse and curl into her. He wanted to so badly, but he couldn't. He had to be stronger than that. He couldn't be, but he had to be. "Please, just go back. Pretend I wasn't here. You're better off."
"Fine," she tried to get her voice even again. She pushed her hair behind her ears and dried her face once more. "If you want me to leave...I will. I'll go...but not right this second." Her arms moved to circle his neck. She moved to sit on the bed beside him, not letting him go.
Dean's hands moved to her waist as she moved closer, trying to push her away again, because he couldn't take much more of this. He didn't want comfort. He didn't deserve comfort. After what he had just done, he certainly didn't deserve it from her. He tried to tell her that, but he couldn't keep her away, and soon he was wrapped in her again, he could smell the things he smelled before and actually let the memories come back to him, he cracked, his body collapsing into hers as he grabbed at her clothes, sobs breaking through his voice. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry -- " The litany began and he didn't stop, just burying his head in her shoulder as he cried.
Her eyes slammed shut at the feeling of him against her again, and there was no denial in her that it was all real right then. Or that he wasn't still there, in some capacity. Her arms tightened around his shaking body and her hand moved up to hold the back of his head. She kissed his forehead softly, starting to cry for real finally. "It wasn't you," she whispered over and over, to every apology he issued.
"No, no," he said, pushing his head up to look at her, eyes seeking forgiveness more than anything else. "It was me. I did it. It was still me." He pleaded with her, begged for her to tell him what he needed to hear, or it was another thing that he was going to have to make good on.
Her hand moved to wipe his eyes and she shook her head. "No, baby," she whispered. She bit her tongue at the unintentional word that had slipped out, but let it pass and went on. "It was...whatever they made you down there. Another you. Not the real you."
"Please," he whispered, looking at her. "It's still part of me. I still did it. And I'm sorry, so please." He needed to accept his actions, or he was no better than the thing inside him.
Her arms went around his neck again and she pulled him close. "I forgive you," she murmured. "You did it and...I forgive you," she didn't want to say it, but she wanted to give him what he needed.
His face softened again, and he sighed, like a small amount of the weight had been lifted off his shoulders. "Thank you."
Her eyes squeezed shut and she rubbed his back, not saying anything. She didn't trust her own words, because she had so many different thoughts spinning through her head.
He stayed close for a little while longer, until his body stopped shaking, before he pushed himself up, swiping at the tears with the back of his hand. "You should go. Alastair's probably watching us right now, you need to get Sam and get as far away from me as possible."
She felt suddenly very cold when he moved away and she looked up at him. She shook her head. She didn't want to leave. She didn't want their only moment to be over. She didn't know how to stand up and leave.
Dean watched her for a moment, before moving closer, gently cupping her face in his hands and tilting her up to face him. He just watched her for a minute, before leaning in to kiss her softly. It wasn't expecting anything, just soft and simple, before pulling back from her. "I'll come see Sam when it's safe. But I don't want to put him danger when I know it's out there." He let his forehead rest against hers for a moment, before brushing her face with his thumbs. "Just make him happy, okay? And let him make you happy. For me."
Her eyes closed and she tasted her lips slowly. She shook her head again, but didn't want to start talking about her and Sam and how...no so easy that all was. She really couldn't say anything.
"Look, I know it's not easy, okay?" he said slowly, crouching down in front of her. "I know. But -- he'll take care of you. And he needs someone to take care of him."
She pushed him off gently, still shaking her head, and stood up. Her arms hugged her body tightly. "It's...he and I...aren't you and me." She made sure she had her gun and tried to pull herself together.
"I know," he sighed, looking down at his hands as he watched her get ready to go. "But he's better. Always has been."
"Shut up," she said softly, moving for the door. She opened it slightly and paused. "I...never did get to tell you I loved you," she said slowly.
He closed his eyes, but kept his back to her, his head dropping down towards her hands. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about my deal."
She nodded and leaned her head to the door for a moment, letting out a breath.
He swallowed again, before glancing over his shoulder to look back at her. "You deserve to be happy, Beth."
"What makes you think I am?" She asked softly, before moving out the door and closing it behind herself.
Ruby waited until the car started before making her way back inside, looking over him with a careful eye. He looked tired, emotionally speaking, but he seemed -- okay, for the most part. Then again, Dean Winchester was the king of faking it, so she had to ask to be sure. "You okay?"
Dean looked up at her as he made his way over to the fridge, reaching for a beer, "Me? I'm peachy." He popped the top on the bottle, before turning back to her with a thin glare and crossing his arms in front of his chest. "Now let's talk about this gun you took from my brother."